Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe properly, under the pressure of this. The bond. The energies. This higher power, whatever this is. This unseen force that’s telling me: feel it and see it, don’t run away from it, because you can’t anyway. You tried to, and someway, somehow, it always caught up to you. So I must feel it, and so, what does that say about me now, who has always been a non-believer…
Isn’t it ridiculous? I think it is. Because it’s been over three years since this chaos escalated, and I haven’t even seen you for over a whole year, and still. Still. I have tried a million times and in a million different ways, and still. How is it possible that you haven’t seen someone for fourteen months, but every second day, he’s in your dreams, and then he’s walking towards you in strangers’ faces, and you can hear what he would say in song lyrics, and memories you long buried pop back up out of nowhere?
How does this work? Someone explain it to me…
‘This is a soul connection, so just because it’s over in the 3D, it still exists in the higher realms. Some souls are eternally connected.’
Okay, great input, but what about my poor nervous system and my peace? Because this is so not what I signed up for (well, apparently it is). This is like a wound being scraped open, over and over, every single day. The poor thing is just trying to do its thing and heal, but someone just won’t let it.
You are this giant that doesn’t let nature do what it should — you disturb the order and make wounds scrape open until they bleed, day by day. But actually, you’re not the giant in the picture. You’re just a tiny bug, a ladybug. You’re not the giant, because there’s someone bigger than you here, someone who could sweep you away in a thousand different ways at any second. This is the reminder that this was never your decision, never your choice. You are just a tiny bug, and there is this giant looming over you with more power than you could ever imagine.
Here are the memories, here are the dreams, the songs, the numbers — here they are, and they are unshakeable. So what can you do, apart from smiling and closing the signs off? Not the memories, just him. Try finding some peace of mind, try finding shelter — and it’s almost impossible. But keep trying. Live your life, you tiny ladybug, because you still have your hardshell, still have your seven dots and your delicate wings, you can still fly. Try not to pay attention to the giant above you (impossible), and wait for the ease that was promised to you in the prophecies. Because one day it will find you.
Until then, there’s love, and there’s grief, and dreams filled with loving eyes and laughter, and plans and promises to myself that ‘I will make my life better,’ and hopes. Until then, the wound is trying to heal, but it’s still ruddy around the edges, so leave it alone, as much as you can, and don’t mind the giant, or what it’s trying to do to you. Look behind its back, to the future, far ahead, where there are only white scars left in places of wounds.
Maybe there will be springs like never before, and the fields will look greener than ever, filled with wildflowers blooming in the colours of the rainbow, and you’re happy. Where maybe you can finally take a deep breath, and your lungs won’t feel like they’re stinging from pain, at last. Where you have everything you’ve ever wanted, which is not much, but it’s just enough for you.
Where you have landed where you were supposed to, prophecies fulfilled at last, delicate wings finally resting under that hard shell, seven dots untouched and forever a warning sign to the giant above: I’m actually stronger than you think. I always have been.